Little Boy Daddy.

I know the life. I've felt that feeling- the one where you know you should be happy because you got what you wanted but there is still a deep longing and an emptiness. Seeing it from the outside, sometimes it's easy to believe the lie. You're just that one thing away from being happy and fulfilled, until you get it and you need the next thing. Or you see the person who always does the wrong thing, and they seem to have it all as you scrape by, trying to do the right things, the honest way. But I've been there. I've been right there before. I remember the anxiety. The lies. I remember the secrets. I remember the endless juggling. I remember the feeling of worth based on what I could do or who I could please, instead of, and at the cost of, who I really am. I remember wads of money and a heart that felt like it was dying. I recall counting the squares on the ceiling of a hotel room and thinking I would never feel these sensations in a way that didn't hurt. Stamped on my soul was your phony wax seal, the letter "K," my middle initial, the very center of me.

Tonight I curled on the floor, listening to a slow, innocent murmur that is half yours. I said, "God... its me again." Remember when I told you I thought maybe I loved you more than Him, and I knew that was wrong? Just ten city blocks away, the words push through my teeth- quietly. I have everything I need despite claiming ownership over nothing anymore. In my covetous moments, I remember the life inside that two-story cell and know that whatever I think I'm missing, isn't being withheld because He's holding out on me. Or because He's dangling happiness just out of my reach for His own amusement. He's not like you, or anyone who came before you.

He showed me a picture of a little girl in a fluffy dress, having a tantrum on the floor. He wouldn't give her the candy she wanted. Vipers in her eyes as she screamed, "Daddy, you don't love me." I could see through the eyes of the mother He made me, and instantly I knew- He wouldn't let her rot her teeth, no matter how hard she kicked Him.

Love and Light,
a.m.


People who conceal their sins will not prosper, but if they confess and turn from them, they will receive mercy. Blessed are those who fear to do wrong, but the stubborn are headed for serious trouble. (Proverbs 28:13, 14 NLT)

You say, "I am allowed to anything"- but not everything is good for you. And even though "I am allowed to do anything," I must not become a slave to anything... Run from sexual sin. No other sin so clearly affects the body as this one does. (1 Corinthians 6, 18 NLT)

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. (Colossians 3:5 NLT)